


Leaving the PhD

by GreenNebulae



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenNebulae/pseuds/GreenNebulae
Summary: Three poems about leaving the PhD. I had to put them out there somewhere.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Leaving the PhD

Leaving the PhD

Sometimes you don’t finish  
When the cost of finishing is too high  
And the prize you win was never worth it

Sometimes failure is the best outcome  
When the steps of success have you reckless  
Crossing the streets without looking  
And riding roller coasters without being afraid to fall

Sometimes victory is defeat  
And success is failure

I set my life on fire  
Only to realize I didn’t burn  
I had been burning the whole time  
And I had just put myself out

I cried hysterically for hours  
Only to realize it was in relief  
I burdened myself with purpose  
And now I’ve found my freedom

Graduate students are so likely to commit suicide  
That it becomes a halfhearted joke between labs  
I’ve been kinda wanting to die for years

Sometimes you don’t finish  
And that’s the best ending for you  
Congratulations for making it out alive


	2. Negligence - an overreaction

Your negligence took my identity  
Sometimes I wish it was my life  
For it was you who did wrong  
But it is I who must suffer

I can remember the days where I could fill a room  
Talk about knowledge it took a lifetime to gain  
They would clap, they remembered my name  
Now, I fumble through beginning slides and try to remember 

Sometimes it comes in pieces,  
Most times it doesn’t come at all,  
Most times, it’s a grapple of-  
Oh no, I’ve said something wrong again, haven’t I?

Disappointment.  
Is it yours  
Is it mine  
I don’t know but I can taste it in the air

A phantom pain lingers in my brain   
As I mourn the death of an intellectual

Adjust  
Adjust.   
As if what I lost was a piece of paper and not who I am  
And I can get it back

Sometimes, I think, wouldn’t it have been easier to just die  
To be left as a legacy  
Instead of whatever it is that I’m going to struggle to be

Because I struggle to be  
The best of my life is already behind me  
And the rest of my life will be defined by how well I recover  
How well I recover from what you did to me  
How I survive

But, is it surviving trauma if not all of you makes it out?  
If you can’t name what you’ve lost and no one understands the pain?  
Sometimes there are no signs when a person is struggling  
Sometimes you can’t explain when your life was in vain


	3. Goodbye Me

Today I say goodbye to the person I’ll never be  
And I burn my PhD to the ground

There is still snow on the ground in April  
But I cannot put this off any longer  
I really thought I could go all the way  
I really thought it was about being stronger

Every award seems wasteful  
And every platitude seems vicious  
I’ve become every stupid statistic  
My trailblazing runs cold

I re read my journal papers  
Until the tears blur my thoughts  
I roll them up to be kindling  
I light them with trembling fingers

I printed every email to my advisor  
For when I argued to switch  
I blamed everything on them  
But maybe it just was me

One by one they go  
Into the flame I’m sitting too close to  
Memories that hopefully won’t last  
Regrets that may never pass 

I down my glass of wine  
I watch my paper drafts whither in the flames  
I end my leave of absence,   
I am not coming back

Even though I know this is the right choice  
There is nothing that can make this feel anything but wrong  
I reach for the basket  
Bracing for the next piece of me to destroy

Little notes and certifications  
Fellowship applications and congratulations  
Thank you cards and applications  
They all have to go and burn

I’m left with my angry email: only written, never read  
I told myself I’d reread it again when it was time  
To remind myself of how bad it was when I decided to leave  
To justify it in my mind

My friends were supposed to be here  
I’d hoped they would help  
I knew this would be a terrible time  
But the whole world is sick, and their grieving is worse than mine

My dissertation sits heavy in my hands  
Topic never approved, thoughts never more than drafted  
Could I have been enough, if I swallowed my pride to return  
Was it always out of my reach, no matter how hard I tried  
Did I really choose right, leaving after so many years?

I stare into the flame, but there’s never been an answer


End file.
